Sharing our experiences in health care, especially during intense, emotional, or stressful times increases our connectedness and well-being. Hearing stories from others helps us know we are not alone, and strengthens our community. The authenticity, compassion, creativity, and bravery of our colleagues helps us access our own emotions, and helps us carry on.
Stories from members of our UW Medicine community are posted below with permission.
Jello
I am caring for a sick man.
His husband isn’t allowed in.
Sars-cov2 doesn’t accept any visitors.
I wish I knew him better.
Uncertainly I ask, “What is his favorite food?”
“Red or orange jello.”
Six weeks later, I haven’t found an obituary.
And I still can’t remember, if he liked red or orange jello.
by Bhargavi Chekuri, Resident/Fellow
Then, Now, Later
Frustrated with ignorance.
Anger toward liars.
Impatient with waiting.
Joy diminished from isolation.
European vacation cancelled.
So my treehouse rises from the ashes of those other dreams since evaporated.
It will be a retreat, to be shared when we are whole.
by Tom Booze, Nurse
Useless
Zoom. Computer screen. iPad to the side.
Don’t forget your blue-blocking lenses.
“Clinical experiences have been suspended
– indefinitely”
Immunosuppressed.
That’s probably for the best.
But how can I help?
How can I help if I am stuck behind this screen?
Are we even really a part of things?
It’s hard to feel like learning anything.
by Tiffani Lautenslager, Medical Student
Poem for an Empire in its last stages (NB: revolutionaries wanted!)
Fat cats fast-track upwards great wealth,
Starve those whose sweat produced it first,
Insist “you all get back to work,
The market must sustain its burst!”
Cosmetic change to Washington,
Daily we’re numbed to the list of dead.
Blank checks for execs who’ve unbound greed.
While we forego last rites or bread.
Revolution is coming.
by Vivek Jain, Resident/Fellow
Still Haunted
I’m an ER RN, in a different hospital system, near Mexico where the surge was brutal.
I read your thoughts typed here, they console in a way. My hospital has done nothing for our mental health, nothing to acknowledge what we’ve done.
I’m still scared.
We all are.
It was so horrible.
The first surge has passed. I’m doing better, but dreading the winter, the second wave.
Sometimes I wake up coughing. Sometimes I fall asleep nervous.
Sometimes I’m worried I’m drinking too much.
by Anonymous, Nurse
Robbed
Countless patients with advanced cancer have told me they feel robbed of time due to the COVID-19 pandemic. They are unable to complete their bucket-list items such as travel. They are isolated from family and friends they may never see again. Their pain is palpable, and there is little I can do to comfort them.
by Kathy Plakovic, Nurse Practitioner
Essential Thank You
Someone at the grocery store stopped me today and thanked me for my service to the community by going to work during this pandemic.
My service?
I never thought of myself as “essential” or important.
I never thought of myself as “serving” others by going to work.
Going to work is just something people do.
I’m thankful to be recognized. It feels nice to be told I’m important.
But I hope that other essential workers (bus drivers and grocery store workers and custodians and retail workers) are being thanked too. I hope that everyone who is working is being treated with the kindness and appreciation I have experienced as a healthcare worker.
Others are essential and others are serving too.
by Anonymous, Nurse
Thoughts of an MS3
I normally feel a little useless in the hospital. I feel particularly useless completing my internal medicine rotation from the comfort of my couch, watching my baby play on the ground. I’m torn between wanting to help and enjoying the extra time at home. Back to cuddles and coronary artery disease.
by Hannah Glasgow, Medical Student
The Siren Call
A siren blares nearby and my first reaction is relief and comfort that a person in distress is getting to the ED, a fire is being quenched, a person in need of help is getting that help. I am white. It is not the sound of terror that it is for black and brown people.
by Lu Marchand, Attending Physician
Snapshot
inside the PAPR a lifeless wind assaults my ears limply
You lay there disconnected, reduced by a thief.
I struggle with these cheap gloves , I’m covered
I’m covered. I am deliberate and ridiculous.
Is this a dream? I will fly or wake up breathless.
Your minute volume finite . Soon inevitable silence.
We are so reduced.
by Anonymous, Critical Care RN
Warnings and Ignorings
Going to work at 5 in the morning
Knowing the whole world is in mourning
My partner and I continue working
While COVID-19 threatens, lurking
Understanding what’s right, my mask I am donning
People are not taking seriously the warning
The long road ahead still is going
No mask! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
by Anonymous, Patient Services Specialist
orange u tired?
sometimes, or more often than not…I wish people would just quiet down about politics, religion, the who’s and the what’s.
just silence yourself for a second and breathe deep.
if we are seattle strong, then be it.
if we are in this together, then act like it.
if we really care about the earth then leave it a better place than it was before.
by Anonymous, Lab Staff
It’s Sometimes Hard
It’s sometimes hard,
To accept an offered mask, offered food, and offered sympathy;
I am “essential”,
But not useful.
It’s sometimes hard,
To see my colleagues struggle, patients struggle, the world struggle;
I am “essential”,
But I cannot ease their burden.
It’s sometimes hard,
To not feel like a fraud, to believe I can make a difference,
I am “essential”,
I am Here,
But I do not believe I am helping.
By Anonymous
The New Normal
Catching a peek of my love snoozing lightly, I prance into our bedroom after being away for 14 hours.
He turns to me eyes half lidded shut with a half grin, half annoyed look.
We eat breakfast together.
I lay nestled in my fetal cocoon listening to my husband’s meetings, sometimes muted with his music playing in the background. The dull laptop dings soothe me to sleep as I try to phase out the sounds of alarms from the night.
He does dishes, prepares and packs my dinner for the night shift, gathers my work bag, fills my water bottle and coffee mug. We have our tea and snack together.
The clock approaches 6:30, and I must go.
May eternal happiness and light be with you my love, my hero, my non front line husband for your support during these trying times.
By Nisha, Nurse
The Corona
“Are you gonna get the Corona?”
For seven years old, viruses are magical and terrifying.
Around the world, people are sick and dying.
Will you get sick at work? Dr. Seuss-like aliens not seen to eyes. Infectious spheres with spikes like unicorns. Dancing around me each day I carefully put on and take off PPE.
By Hannah Johanson, Nurse
In Awe of the Draw
print orders
pick up tubes
don PPE
enter the room
draw the blood
feel forgotten when
waiting to be guided out.
respirator: hard to breathe
fogged up shield: hard to see
exit the room
deepen your breath
relax
drop off samples at the lab
rinse and repeat
for the next timed draw.
By Anonymous, Medical Technologist
Snapshot
inside the PAPR a lifeless wind assaults my ears limply
You lay there disconnected, reduced by a thief.
I struggle with these cheap gloves , I’m covered
I’m covered . I am deliberate and ridiculous.
Is this a dream? .i will fly or wake up breathless.
Your minute volume finite . Soon inevitable silence.
We are so reduced.
By Anonymous, Critical Care RN
Silent Witness
She says “I love you”; he responds “I’ve had a good life.” I stand, silent witness, holding the screen for my dying patient. Tears fall but I can’t brush them away behind my face shield. I never knew the most important thing I would do as an ICU nurse would be to hold an iPad.
By Nicole Schoen, Nurse
Weary
A meeting was called my Manager said that all Managers were to leave and work from home until further notice,leaving the Employees to stay and keep our 24/7 hour Emergency Mental Health Department staffed. We can’t use any sick time just vacation time to get off. We are considered Essential,it must mean Expendable.
Registration, Support Staff
By Dorothea Farmer, Registration
Trying for a cathartic shower
Trying for a cathartic shower
Tears mixing with shower water
Mascara streaks
Crouching in the corner
Instead
It’s nice to be alone
The hot water feels good
And washes away the virus
Down the drain
By Anonymous, Attending Physician
change
i missed when the world changed. lost in a tiny human’s brightening eyes and brand new never before seen smiles and consumed by her helplessness, i am still in the before. the world i know is not the world she will know and the uncertainty of what i will come back to is breathtaking. i don’t know how to prepare. i worry for my colleagues, mourn for our patients and community, and am guiltily grateful to get to stay in the before for a few more weeks – the glimpses of the now seem like a terrible dream.
By Anonymous, Hospitalist
Grateful
I am grateful that my family is able to stay home.
We are together and all working or going to school at home.
I am grateful that I can still continue my education.
Online holds many challenges, luckily my instructors are amazing.
I am grateful that I am healthy and able to practice social distancing.
By Star Sakis, Physician Assistant, Student
Information Overload
I read today about information overload, cutting down on news apps etc. yesterday I felt defeated and exhausted by Information overload right here in HMC clinic. everyday something different, everyday something new to learn. Our leaders need to understand that during stress people often feel overwhelmed with new information or new things to be learned. I have to say I looked to my leaders for support I felt it lacking or not genuine.
By Anonymous, Patient Care Coordinator
Removed
Feeling removed… relocated just as the crisis and social distancing emerged. Left good friends behind. No meetings here to meet people. Are we doing enough for the frontline risk-takers from our support department?
Learning the amazing culture of my new work home. There is purpose here; worthwhile work; and everyone is making a difference.
By Bonnie Beardsley, Support Staff
Time(ing)
My partner, my friends
Mostly Artists which means mostly Service Workers
Laid off, they lack funds but are abundant in time
Time for virtual happy hours and pop-up performances, laughter and creating new rituals
I am Essential, working long and proud
I have my job
What I lack is my community-of-heart
I’m lucky, but lonely
By PG, Support Staff
Air Supply
“All out of love” sounds from the hilltop.
My son, plucking dandelions, poking freshly drowned earthworms, looks up from the grass. A figure appears: masked, hooded, with reflective goggles and a speaker in hand. It waves.
“Monster!” my son points and runs away.
He has learned to fear our neighbors. Keeps everybody safe, for now.
By Kalyan Banda, Attending Physician
I can hear you
In transcription it is not a direct communication but we have always appreciated hearing “have a nice day” or “thanks for your help” because it means you know a person is there listening to you. I become real for you.
Reading these stories, it helps me to hear you better, as I recognize names and appreciate the feelings shared and work that you do that doesn’t always show up in the dictation. Thank you for becoming real to me.
By Lori Wilkinson, Transcription
Ghosted
We’re days away from the “surge,” and the hospital is a ghost town – existing wards closed, and extra ones planned. We have bed capacity for COVID-19. But what about our other patients? Are you no longer getting chest pain? No longer needing detox? No longer sick at dialysis? Where are you? Are you okay?
By Allyson Goldberg, Attending Physician
Waiting
My daughter hangs upside-down in a tree.
I wait for the fall.
I wait, like last week in hospital,
eerily devoid of visitors,
for Covid patients.
Will they overwhelm,
or will we “flatten the curve”?
I wait while balancing roles —
parent, doctor, teacher —
and hope we have saved lives.
She lands feet first.
By Kimberly Collins, Attending Physician
New Morning Rituals at a Level I Trauma Center
The MASH tent has been erected outside our front door.
Our daily Discharge Team prayer circle
Where, for the last year, and
Up until the last month-
We held hands and gave gratitude for our lives, asked for guidance in our actions, prayed for kindness despite our weariness, and the wisdom to remove barriers to discharge,
This prayer circle has mutated along with the virus.
“Essential Staff” cannot hug,
Or hold hands
During prayer
But we can still gather.
By Pamela Brucks, MN, RN
Running Short
It sat partially covered & unassuming. My resident and I both noticed it right away. The recycled bottle of hand sanitizer that our pharmacy had remixed and relabeled with prescription information. The fear that we had run out. The proof that we could make our own.
By Jennifer M Erickson, DO
Shout-out
I would like to thank nurses, who spend more time bedside than I do. For your wellbeing, too, I obsess over my orders. You collect our precious (cough-inducing) tests, and you’ve called more bereaved families. Despite your fear, your compassionate professionalism – today, like any day – inspires me and makes me grateful. Thank you.
By Anonymous, Attending Physician
Moving Community Support
I worked a voluntary shift screening patients at the ED entrance. The experience was extremely rewarding. I was moved, seeing people come to Harborview to support the medical community by bringing N95 masks, gloves, and cans of disinfectant, knowing that those supplies will be used to treat critically ill Covid-19 patients. Community members, THANK YOU!
By Richard Chartier, Front Desk PSS
Fear Osmosis
Flutters of urgency
motion without permission.
New found modes of communication
surrounding us.
Words buzzing ear to ear
carrying weight of emotion,
permeating bodies like the air we breathe.
Listen dear one,
there is light.
It never left.
You have the power of discernment
Don’t give in to the theft
of fear
my dear.
By Kristine Manuel, Clinical Lab Scientist
Like a Movie
It’s everywhere
COVID-19 came in like a wrecking ball
Taking over our thoughts & actions.
I wish I could do more…But there is still hope in me knowing I work in a place full of innovation and compassion.
Sometimes this all feels like a sci-fiction movie, I just hope that, that one miracle comes in to play sooner than later.
By Anonymous, Medical Assistant
Untitled
Spring’s arrived– popping purple crocuses, bright yellow daffodils, and puffy pink cherry blossoms, a welcome transition from dreary winter’s rain. Although overshadowed by swirling uncertainty of the global pandemic, these spring flowers remind me that life will blossom again in the wake of this destructive virus. A sign of hope.
By Anonymous, Attending Physician
Remember
Let’s be patient…
Practicing medicine amidst social distress.
Supervising trainees.
Advocating.
Let’s extend grace…
We will be post-call (I was).
We will be managing clinical challenges (like I am).
We will make mistakes during our virtual lectures (like I did).
We will be stressed, tired, and sleep deprived (like I am).
Please, let’s be kind…
By Roberto Montenegro, Attending Physician
Zombie Virus
“I’m most afraid the coronavirus will become a zombie virus.” My son. I’m realizing I’ve failed to teach him much of what I’ve learned in school. Right now I’m non-essential. I don’t get to do medicine. But I can use my time to do what I do with patients – teach and comfort. Just at home.
By Anonymous, Medical Student
Behind the Mask
The nurse warns me that the 4 year old isn’t wearing a mask
The child says it’s hot and she can’t breathe
It’s too big anyway
Her parents are wearing masks and grave expressions
Breathlessly waiting for the test result
But good news?! She has Influenza, not Coronavirus
In these strange times, they’re relieved
They can’t see me smile, it’s hard for me to breathe in this mask too
Does my breath always smell like this?
I think we all need to breathe…better
By John Schreuder, Attending Physician
Hope
Anxiety, stress, fear builds up as my work week starts
Still we do our best to take care of our patients with compassion and empathy
Knowing we got each other’s back is comforting enough
Breathe of relief at the end of the shift
Gorgeous Seattle sunset and fresh air awaits outside
Hope floats…
By Zinnia, Nurse
Bodies
So thankful for yoga right now. I practice yoga as a way to come back into my body. To experience my body again as something other than a carrier of disease, something harmful to those around me. My body is so tired with the weight of this work. Yoga restores my buoyancy for a while.
By Loren, Social Worker
Home from Work
Teenage son says, “Hi, Mom. Wait. You’re in your bathrobe?!”
“We’re changing out of scrubs in the garage because of COVID-19. Um, you’re in a bathrobe, too?”
“Can’t go anywhere….. Why get dressed?”
We hear a car. Then, the door from garage to kitchen opens.
“Dad! You’re naked!?”
“Close your eyes, everyone! Heading to shower!”
By Sarah Merrifield, Attending Physician
Masks
“Don’t touch me” he yells, “ma’am don’t touch me”. I need to fix it. The thing that’s bothering him. I’m gowned, he can’t see my intent. Only my eyes. Do they convey I’m smiling? “Hey I’m here. I’m in this suit and I’m listening. I’m going to help you”. He’s scared. “I’m sorry” he said. His eyes shift to me in the midst of his painful storm. There we go, I think-contact. “What’s your name again?” He asks. I wonder if he can see the tear in my eye. The tear in holding back.
By Anonymous, Nurse
Untitled
10 years today at UWMC. Doors are all closed, visitors are gone, meetings are cancelled, some of my favorite colleagues are suddenly retiring early, everyone is as germaphobe as me, I am so tired after shifts (double the normal), it is scary to go in, the air in Seattle has been still and it is eerie and quiet like the calm before the storm at the hospital. But, I have not looked for other gigs since I started and I am proud to be where there is compassion, dedication and expertise! I am enjoying one day off, then back at it!
By Anonymous, Nurse
The Worst and the Best
COVID-19 has brought out the worst and the best in us.
Some have sold stocks on dire news that only they know. They still smile into the cameras.
Then, there are neighbors who bring over hot dinners in a basket for those coming home from the hospital exhausted.
Fresh baked cookies, too.
I’m grateful.
By Josh Benditt, Attending Physician
Outside Over There
“The plan is for me to visit on her birthday. I am planning on a cake, some gifts. She has cancer. My parents are elderly but are with her. They have more time, but are at risk. Now, I have to make a decision.”
Background: As many of us grapple with this situation at UW and deal with the impact to our daily lives in Seattle, we are also thinking about family, often times across the globe, who are affected as well.
By Anonymous, Support Staff
Is this not also “health”?
I have been distraught by news stories of individuals who are obligated to continue working despite manifesting symptoms of illness because they would otherwise not receive adequate pay.
As health care providers, is it not our responsibility to advocate for these individuals and stand up to the system that has condoned this behavior from employers?
The only thing I feel like I can do is vote. And deep down, I’m not sure that’s as powerful an action as I grew up thinking it would be.
By Anonymous, Resident/Fellow
A Minor Inconvenience
If only a mountain of Ricola would help.
Many neighbors are old, some oxygen dependent.
I don’t want any of them to get CoVid and be stuck in the hospital.
Because my brother or me were playing too close to the fence.
Can’t put up with this forever.
Help!
By Anonymous, Son of a nurse
In Light of Stillness
Fifty-five Words About Living Through Stillness:
Travel the empty roads, lightly filled transit.
The wary at home, wanderers in the streets.
Fog drifts in city streets, blossomed.
What other mists remain, unseen, deadly?
Be alert, of sober mind: death roars, soundless.
Live in the stillness, at heart of day.
Let night not take us away.
By Stephen Edwin Lundgren, Support Staff
Barriers
Caring for a COVID+ patient, this PPE makes me feel miles of distance between us.
How alone must they feel in this sterile room?
Do handshakes and hands on shoulders feel as comforting with gloves on?
If only they could see me smile underneath my mask.
I hope my eyes show how much I care.
by Daniel Cabrera, Attending Physician
Inhaling
Today in Seattle looks like every other day. So why the hush? Showered, as I always do – drank two mugs of coffee. So what’s the weight? I don’t know yet exactly what we’re waiting for. I’m inhaling, but maybe not deep enough. Is anyone else feeling this? Also – can whoever that is, please mute?
by Jennifer Best, Attending Physician
The student Clinic-Should we stay or should we go?
At what point is the benefit provided less than the risk you can confer to those that you are trying to help? As chair of one of the largest student run clinics, do we stay running and continue to provide help to the elderly and underserved or stop in fear of contracting and transmitting disease?
by Rohan Sehgal, Medical Student
It’s a very small world
Here- sick patients for hours. Flu like symptoms.
Systems are already struggling. My alarms are firing.
Flu? Something else? One infected, none, or all?
We wouldn’t know.
Isolation?
It’s just hours away-by air.
I’m told “we’re fine”
Three weeks later: “Where is Kirkland on that map?”
I am screaming into the wind
by Anonymous, Diagnostic Imaging
I’m Sorry
I’m worried. Your mom is very sick.
I’m sorry. You can’t go in the room.
I’m worried. There’s nothing we can do.
I’m sorry. She has passed away.
I’m worried. This is only the first of many.
I’m sorry. You can’t go in the room.
I’m worried. We don’t know what to do.
I’m sorry.
by Anonymous, Resident/Fellow
Spring Backwards
Soap suds. Wash away the problems of the first patient before tackling the next. Wash in. Wash out. Bow, namaste: in. Elbow bumping out. How do social distancing and healing touch work together?
The brain tumor is shrinking and he is getting better! So happy.
My patient leaps forward to hug me and I recoil.
By Lynne Taylor, Attending Physician
Father and Son
My father lives in Colombia. He is 72 and just recovering from a lung infection. I’m away from home and unable to take care of him. I talk to him everyday and ask him to be cautious. He just replies that I’m the one that needs to be careful. That I should take care of my wife and my child.
By Daniel F Gallego, Resident/Fellow
The Daily Huddle
Texts, phone calls, 1am emails, pressure, anxiety, calm-assuredness, fear, stress, concern, unknown. Every day I watch our deans come together and rise higher and pull each other up to solve crisis after crisis and problem after problem. I am so proud. So very proud of our clinicians and leaders.
By Kellie Engle, Support Staff
Inglorious Admin-ers
Nurses, MAs, EVS, administrators
hustle through the hall
Purposeful energy radiates
they whiz past my open door
A bit of chaos
uncertainty, unknown
but tasks
– Don! Doff! Clean! Care! –
helpful plans
obviously useful
at my desk, I sit.
Guess it’s time to keep reserving rooms, updating personnel files, ordering supplies, requesting funds, notifying volunteers, typing…
By Anonymous, Support Staff
End and Beginning
Death
Another Covid Patient
At the end of life alone
A determined nurse
“I’m going in”
To sit by his side
Chaplain outside prays for them.
In another part of the hospital
A baby is born
The chaplain offers a prayer
Baby’s open eyes watching the chaplain
Thank God for the blessing of new
Life.
by Elizabeth S, Chaplain
Whatever it Takes
We never thought it would be our last day of Senior Year
They said Two weeks at max
We collected our books and belongings
Then we were no longer welcomed in the school
We self-taught with the occasional google meet
It was difficult to just sit around all-day
But I knew others had it worse than me
People were dying from COVID-19 and loneliness
I needed to find meaning in this statewide shutdown
So I stepped up and becamed my residents family
Even with masks, goggles, and social distancing
We are “all in this together”
And will do whatever it takes
by Annie Fenner, Nursing Assistant
open mind
Why fight the ask to wear a mask?
I met a middle aged woman today who had a history of rape and abuse and was triggered by wearing a mask.
And so she put off to the doctor for months.
Couldn’t face the anxiety of something covering her face.
But only in the doctor’s office could she share her fear and vulnerability.
The rest of the world only sees her anger.
by Lee McKoin, Medical Student
Thanksgiving worries
My beloved patients
Always we hugged
…or held hands
…or kissed each other on the cheeks
– depending on their culture
No more
Now it is Namaste and air hugs
I’ve known her for 13 years
It was so hard not to hug
We sat together in the exam room for 20 minutes
Both of us masked
Her Covid is now positive
We can’t reach her by phone
I am worried about her
I am worried about myself
I am worried about my children
I am worried about my family
Our first Thanksgiving without mom
How will my dad do on his own?
Will I give them all Covid?
Why am I crying?
Sometimes there is too much worry, too much sadness.
by Anonymous, Attending Physician
Grief
So now we are 9 months into this.
I heard tonight from a colleague in another part of the country who is overwhelmed, tired, worried about their family and what they may be bringing back to Thanksgiving.
I’m so grateful for my health, my family’s health, and my amazing team at work. But. I’m also angry about the cavalier attitudes of people in my neighborhood and the maelstrom in our politics.
I have witnessed so many isolated deaths. Listened to hundreds of wailing families on the phone unable to be there for loved ones.
I am Heart Sore and Bereft.
by Meg Mullin, Palliative Care Attending
Student Well-Being is Low-Yield Material
“We care about YOU”
… they tell us as they converse behind closed doors, ignoring our cries, refusing to acknowledge the impact which COVID-19 and #BLM has affected us. I don’t know how my family will pay for our mortgage; they tell me to stay focused, you need to know that TTP is caused by ADAMS13
… they don’t care
by Zachary W, Medical Student
My Mom
Each day I listen quietly. The numbers continue to grow, level off, decline. Saturday there were 76 struggling to live. Friday, three deaths at Harborview and one of those deaths had given me life. I face-timed with her and the nurse said she knows it’s you. She’s stroking your face. We never gave up hope.
by Anonymous, Shared Services
Pregnant with COVID
The sweetest COVID patient, a transfer from ED to PCU.
She repeatedly apologized for “being an inconvenience”.
I performed her continuous fetal monitoring.
Her breathing was concerning 44-46 rpm.
The collaboration between L&D, PCU, ICU, Respiratory and medical staff was stellar with a rapid transfer to the ICU. She is due to deliver in June.
by Lori Brown, RN MSN
Protecting your Staff
You worry
You Plan
You prepare
You educate
You answer questions
You correct
You count gloves and masks
You count goggles and shields
You count gloves and wipes
You Listen
You encourage
You Pray
by Starr Lynch, BSN RNC-OB
Untitled
Rubbing bruised cheeks, fingertips pruning, plastic clinging
Misguided attempts to wipe sweat dripping into my eyes, over the mask, under the shield, over goggles
Do they have de-fogger for goggles?
Tripping over tubing, wires and random debris littering the floor
…”17-18-19-20″ she counts
I yell, no one appears to hear me, I yell again
“We got a pulse!”
by Anonymous, Nurse
Good, it was just one
I heard there was one death in 24 hours and thought, good it was just one.
Then a co-worker called to say her father died.
I knew the one.
I pray for those who know the many.
By Anonymous, Nurse
Soundwaves
all day I hear voices, but no longer see the people behind them
my patients are reduced to soundwaves
I have learned to listen between the words
we talk of quilts, baking, Zoom appointments, too much time at home
they say they’re thankful for our work
but I know they’re scared
I am scared too
By Caitlin, Program Assistant
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
You can’t spell COVID-19 without O.C.D.
By Sheer Grater, Support Staff
[Untiltled]
Quarantined teens are going batty with boredom. I think fiercely, “Ganbatte!”
Healthcare heroes fight fear and exhaustion, and I quietly think, “Gaman.”
By Maria Luisa Germani, Risk Manager
With Gratitude
She died without us by her side
but she was not alone
because you were there keeping vigil
we are bereft
but our hearts are full of gratitude
because you are there for all of us
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
By Anonymous, Faculty
Riding the Bench
It’s like if someone on the field gets hurt, and the coach looks at the bench, sees you, and says “Actually, let’s just play a man down”. And you say, “yeah, that’s probably for the best…”
By Anonymous, Medical Student
It’s Time
Life journey, next chapter,
It’s time
Full retirement age, planned future
It’s time
66, underlying illness
Fidelity, SS, UWRP, Medicare, Workday
Covid-19 came!!
My friends on the front line, deep in my heart
Retire? Really? Now? But I fear for them
It’s still time,
This hurts, Be safe,
Take great care 5MB staff
By Nancy L Dow, Peer Specialist
Date Night
I have my partner and the city in view. We are dressed up and feeling fancy. Lobster ravioli on the table and candles burning. We are concerned with all that is happening, but for this moment we reserve an opportunity to stay calm. We are smiling and we are happy. Staying home and staying healthy.
By Anonymous, Medical Student
Untitled
No front line, no lettered title, no receiving
hero’s glory praise
for those at screen.
Scheduling
rescheduling
and again
Messages to doctor? Yes ma’am.
Check profile, right times? Ensure smooth day.
Changes in a blink
Flexibility, compromise, “just handle it”.
Glow of screen illuminate their dark
deafening silence makes their world
dark
darker
darker still
By Anonymous, PSS
Light
Amidst the noise, amidst the surge, Amidst it all – a choice.
A lifted chin from my chest, eyelids flutter open to see the light of this day, a new day. Like the air that fills my lungs and your lungs and the lungs of my ancestors, arising and passing. A new day. A new breath.
By Victor Martins, Support Staff
Soldier
I am the wife of a soldier, the daughter of a soldier, the sister of a soldier.
I never thought I would see a front line.
Yet here I am. With an invisible enemy.
I see devastation; patients dying alone.
I use my best weapons.
Yet it does not feel like enough.
By Leah Hampson Yoke, Physician Assistant, Infectious Disease
many faces
there’s so many faces. our faces aren’t on the front lines, instead we’re behind you. we’re pushing the boulder and moving the mountain, pivoting this amazing behemoth organization. we work long days into the nights. we cry with you and for you and laugh when we can. such a calling, such a privilege.
By Anonymous
Untitled
Super excited, counting down the days.60d,45 more days and I can fly to Nevada to see my grandbabies. This only happens a few times a year. Miss them so much my heart hurts. 30d,15d. I can’t risk it, I have to cancel my flight,tears fall. Daughter ” mom please stop working, stay home til this is over, don’t die we need you”. Me I love you darling, the bus is here I have to go to work.
By Cyndy Morgan, Medical Assistant Lead
Words
“Wuhan, Lifecare Center, atypical pneumonia, Covid 19, essential, surge, dofficer, donning, doffing, dofficer officer, interleukin 6, ferritin, Toclizumab, Remdesivir, palliative care, Hydroxychloroquine, Zoom, PPE, Dr. Fauci, attestation, CRP, town hall, prone, facetime, extubated, discharged home, 6 feet, social distancing, flattening the curve”
Are we almost done? Can these words go away?
By Anonymous, ICU RN
Exposed
At change of shift 3 different classmates on 3 different days tell me they were exposed. Exposed to potential COVID-19 patients without wearing PPE. (This was before we got better at screening.)
I get an everyday cold. I was told everyday of work we miss we must make up. I call out, and come back 3 days later, afraid if I stay out longer I won’t be able to graduate. Afraid I didn’t stay home long enough.
Later I learn we can get tested. I fill out the survey. They call me into the underground site and stick swabs up my nose. The result: “indeterminate… most likely positive.” I stand frozen, afraid, exposed.
By Anonymous, Medical Student
Hunker Down
Hunks and monks please hunker down
Stay in place and out of town
Order take out, stream a show
Coughs and fevers, nasal flow
Hug yourself but not your granny
Clean your house, nooks & crannies
Despite no faith in upper brass
Worry not… this too will pass
By Connor Mamikunian, Medical Student
I will remember
Feeling like a soldier in scrubs
“How are you?” “Well, my medical school roommate is in an ICU in New York . . .”
The tent outside the ER
The patient who did not want to leave the hospital
The young physician whose mother mailed her a chocolate cake
Wondering who supports the chaplain
By Susan Merel, Attending Physician
Impossible Choices
Stay behind, Martin Luther is said to have urged. Your duty is to serve the sick. His pregnant wife by his side, they say. His pregnant wife? This calling of mine now suddenly risks my partner’s existence. Physical distance to protect a physical life? And what then of the toddler, asking after his mama?
By Katie Kenningham, Resident/Fellow
alone
They stand at the screening station.
They do not resist or complain. They do not speak English.
Tomorrow he will have an operation he hopes to survive and may save his life.
His lips, eyes tighten as she embraces his back with tears welling.
They have never been apart before.
He walks down the hallway alone.
By Adele Grant, Nurse
Essential
Can we work from home?
Can we work from home?
We are essential. We show up for work.
What is this irritation in my voice?
My boss: We are frontline staff.
My team: There are other ways to show up.
Everyone is angry. Everyone is scared.
And I am caught in the middle.
By Anonymous, Manager
Knowing
Medical School teaches “I don’t know.”
Cranial Nerves
Cytokine alphabet soup
Cerebral Blood Supply
Second-line treatments
Which antibiotic?
What’s the differential?
What’s the risk?
What should we do next?
Practicing “I don’t know” makes us better
Learnersdoctorspeople.
But
This morning
Watching sunlight on the cedar
From inside
The not knowing feels different.
By Melanie Langa, Medical Student
Untitled
The weight of what we’re doing feels heavier at home. The fear is more acute when surrounded by those we love. I don’t want to die but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do my job, so each day I wake up and head back to the ICU carrying the weight of a pandemic with me.
By Anonymous, Resident/Fellow
Hand Sanitizer
Ok, it’s gone again. The hand sanitizer. They ripped it off from the clinic exam room.
Outrageous! How could they? I am so mad!
Wait. Hand sanitizer. A symbol of protection. Hope in times of fear. Control in an out of control world.
It’s OK. I get it.
We can wash our hands.
By Elizabeth Gamboa, Nurse
Isolating
I hope that at the end of this people stop taking for granted being around their loved ones. Everyone. Patients, family, and staff. Now that we are physically isolating ourselves, when will people stop emotionally isolating themselves within their phones, technology, and social media? Look up and enjoy the people around you. You really don’t know when you might not see them again.
By JM, Nurse
Priorities
Control the spread, protect the frontlines. Treat those already ill, develop a vaccine to prevent the disease. Stimulate the economy, value the lives of those who require resources. There are many coexisting priorities. Who decides what matters? Is it one leader, a domino effect? Could it be our collective voice?
By Anonymous, Medical Student
We hear you, do you hear us?
Medical Assistants.
Financial insecurity, working 2 or 3 jobs to get by.
Cost of living, Seattle: 150%-180% of pre-tax salary.
Wanting our lives on the line and untold flexibility.
Providers complain about the financial impact on them.
Read the room.
This is our norm.
Welcome to our world.
We really are in this together.
By Anonymous, Medical Assistant
Silver Linings and Worry
My commute is fantastic!
Some of us will have the opportunity to consider what is essential to survival and what is not. Can we consider our priorities as a species? Can we re-think how we treating each other, animals and our environment? Can we take a step in a better direction?
I am very worried about everyone, especially those at most risk.
By Anonymous, Technician
Rogue
Alone. Despite being surrounded. So alone
Robotic
a blank peace of sterile white paper
Am I numb? Submerged in healthcare
Every day for the past 13 years
Am I not phased by this viral outbreak?
Do I give myself more credit?
for rolling with the punches?
One day at a time? ok. ONE DAY AT A TIME
Month of March in the year 2020, you have changed my spirit
I no longer find time for self care
in the morning
before work…I no longer find time
to meditate myself back to the beautiful basics of life
Love, please find your way back in
Humanity is not to be placed on hold
By Cassidy Laffan, Medical Student
Spinning Wheels
The director doesn’t understand. He is pulled in too many directions. He asks for help, then pushes those willing to help back, with force. He works longer hours and stops telling his team what he’s working on. People ask questions, he tells them to stop bothering him. We are ready to help. Communicate. Delegate. Innovate.
By Anonymous, Support Staff
Not Enough
My words.
They are not enough.
There is not enough time and space.
I feel your energy, your fear.
I serve with patience and calm. I fill the waiting room with love, silently.
I sleep and my dreams are full of tumult.
My fear is quiet, small, and dense.
By Laurie Johnson, Support Staff
Distance
They say social distancing but that is an error.
Physical distancing is what it must be.
Socially I am not distant at all!
Those ‘Six Feet’ that I observe are filled with my care for their safety; and my own.
I can still Speak, Hear, See…just because I must not touch I am not helpless.
By Anonymous, Support Staff
In retrospect
Pending, 1 hour. In retrospect, maybe I was a little congested a few days ago? I’ve been tired, but that’s normal, right?
Pending, 24 hours. Running through the patients I’ve seen recently, chronic illnesses, immunosuppression, older age.
Pending, 46 hours. Repeatedly visualizing the inevitable disclosure process. “Sorry, you had a bad doctor.”
48 hours. Negative.
By Kate Butler, Resident/Fellow
Enough
I hate that you’re alone. I hate that you can’t see your child. I’m sorry you can’t leave the room. I’m sorry we make you feel dirty because we wear PPE. I know you’re scared. I hope we’re enough to keep your spirits up for transplant. Your heart is coming soon, it has to be.
By Brooke, Nurse
Worry
I worry entering the room, THIS room
That my mask, THIS just mask isn’t enough
That I will take this home to my kids
That they will infect others, people will get sick.
I will not die for my job.
I will not die for my patients.
We shouldn’t have to choose.
We should be protected.
By Anonymous, Nurse
Social Visit
I enter through the door that says
NO VISITORS
A maze of fluorescent light and white noise
Usher me to a new yet familiar world
Purell markers lead me to your room
I knock
On your window
You turn, eyes wide, its deep recesses hold the weight of humanity
We exchange primordial gestures of hope
By Daniel Lam, Attending Physician
Untitled
Eyes burning, the alcohol hasn’t dried from the goggles after wiping them down between patients. Skin cracked, dry from chlorhexidine hand washing. Heart downcast, worried about family and coworkers.
Soul knowing we are pressed but not crushed, for there is something greater. Our hope is in the eternal, in the unseen, and we press on.
By Anonymous, Resident/Fellow
Friend
I received an email from a resident in our system. He was anxious and scared about the new virus that was disrupting so much of the routine of medicine, if you can call it that. He was concerned about his family – and mine. He was honest. He wanted my advice. He signed the letter, “Friend.”
By Anonymous, Attending Pysician
Questioning
I’m tired. Worn down. Sleep deprived. Overworked. At baseline.
Now. I’m scared. Anxious. Lonely. Without toilet paper and groceries. Because I’m always at work. I’m on the front lines. I am the front line.
It has only just started, but I feel finished.
I would rather quarantine.
Does that mean I am a bad doctor?
By Anonymous, Resident/Fellow
Seattle Haiku
Corona virus
We’re ghosting in Seattle
Northwest will survive
Robert Cormier
By Doug Schaad, Research Faculty
Away from Family
I know that social distancing is the only way for me to fight against the COVID-19 pandemic. But now, my grandma is alone in her hospital bed, indefinitely. After a stroke, she’s been bedridden with severe dementia, weakness, and no speech capabilities.
I miss her. She might miss us even more.
by Kevin, Medical Student
Building a plane while flying it
Colleagues tried to close the airport. We still ended up at the gate, begging passengers not to board. When they didn’t listen, duty brought us on with our loved ones, colleagues, patients. Buckling seatbelts. Building as fast we can, knowing the plane will crash. Still with hope: the better we build, the more will survive.
by Jessica Bender, Attending Physician
2,000 miles apart
My parents both live alone, 2,000 miles away. They are both in the highest risk category for COVID-19, and they understand the full horror of an ARDS death. If there is a statewide quarantine, we’ll be trapped apart, alone, waiting, knowing their fate if infected, treasuring every phone call as if it’s the last.
by Anonymous, Medical Student
Love in the time of coronavirus
My patients know that I always offer them a hug or touch. Adjusting to coronavirus has been a challenge – but love finds a way!
Recipe for a hug, covid style:
Right foot bump
Left foot bump
Right elbow bump
Left elbow bump
Smile, laugh
Look into each other’s eyes
We will get through this
by Jane Hitti, Attending Physician
Staying close while we are physically distant
Rather than talking about “social” distancing, we should be talking about “physical” distancing. Ironically, at a time when it is important to physically pull apart, what will get us through this pandemic is socially and professionally pulling together and supporting each other as a community. Luckily we have many ways to do that while maintaining physical distance.
by Anonymous, Attending Physician
“Non-Essential”
We were a duo, my patient and I. I took care of his failing lungs, and we laughed together at his bad jokes even if it made him short of breath. I tried to live up to his trust. Then one day, I was told I couldn’t see him anymore because I was “non-essential.”
By Anonymous, Medical Student
Childcare
If daycare is closing, how can I still graduate on time? Medical students don’t get sick leave.
It doesn’t seem right to call up my mom, and put her in danger, so that I can shadow a neurologist in clinic.
By Anonymous, Medical Student
The last rest
Readying for bed he whispers “the hospital has 2 cases, will hit the news tomorrow”.
I sleep like it is the last rest for months.
Abandoning a lazy Saturday, waking early, savoring the quiet.
I tell our kids, “Things are different now”.
After brunch, checking his phone, colleagues quarantined, help is needed and he goes.
By Andrea Kalus, Attending Physician
Ice Cream
The problem was a pint of ice cream.
A stuck lid gave way to a fall, a bone broken.
Whisked off to surgery,
Fixed! Perfect recovery, joined for rehab stay by life-long love.
A sneaky sniffle, a cough gives way to breathlessness.
Never saw this coming, no one could imagine
Ice cream was this dangerous.
By Anonymous, Attending Physician
Did I sign up for this?
I signed up for this, right? I signed up to help people. Why, then do I feel so scared when I show up to work these days? Why do I feel unprotected? I’m nervous, and I’m not really sure if I did sign up for this. A Pandemic. But I will still show up.
By Colleen Detweiler, RN